The Final Month: Day Twenty-Five

Posted: July 26, 2012 in The Final Month

I can still remember one of the worst dreams of my life, though it’s been the better part of a decade since I had it. Though the details have faded over time and play tricks with my memory, I remember that within the dream I had accidently done something to my baby sister. Something fatal, but for some reason she didn’t die immediately. You know how weird dreams can be.

I remember within the dream the horror that I felt knowing that she was going to die soon. The agonizing, stomach-wrenching sickness that felt as though I myself were dying. The desperation I felt as I tried so hard to hug and console her, weeping as I begged her not to die, knowing it was my fault… Haven’t thought of that dream in years, until tonight. Until I tried ministering to the very people hurt by me and my leaving, trying to heal wounds that I have created.

I’ve attempted to write blogs like this before, but my mental filter generally saves me from some overt narcissism. Tonight, though, I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be beneficial in some capacity to simply blurt out what I’m feeling, though it isn’t pretty or well-packaged.  I feel like everywhere I go I have the same conversation. Not that it’s bad…it’s just the same conversation. Well, one of two, at least. It’s either the “so what are you going to be doing?” conversation that gets my heart racing and tongue running a million miles an hour. Or it’s the awkward “I’m happy for you, but sad you’re leaving, hate to see you go” bit that turns every activity into a total downer.

There’s just no good response to that. To say I want to leave isn’t entirely accurate, because I’m leaving behind family and a ministry I love. To say I don’t want to leave is more wrong, because I cannot wait to put feet to action within Life Journey Church and serve the community there in Crozet. To be honest with you, it’s mentally and emotionally draining, this knowing that I’m upsetting so many people. To see tears well up in so many eyes messes me up. I hate it.

I hate feeling like I’m causing so many people to hurt, even though it’s a natural part of life in this community that God has called us to be together. There’s a part of me that wishes we could all just play pretend until I’m gone and then we can all start the recovery process. Or perhaps that’s just me hiding from having to feel these things. A self-defensive compartmentalization mechanism, if you will. All I know is that I’m tired. Always tired. Physically, mentally, tired. And whiney, lol. I feel as though I’m saying way too much, but I wanted to be transparent. This is how I feel, in this moment, past midnight, having been on the go all day long. Perhaps this is normal and cathartic for others in this boat. Perhaps this is anomalous and simply sin on my part. Ok. Enough of that.

In the middle of all of this emotional turmoil, the comforting presence of the Holy Spirit becomes all the more precious to me. I’ve said from the get-go that one of the greatest blessings in all of this transition is the increased awareness of the reality of God’s love and presence- always by His grace and never by my merit. I know that if God is working in the lives of my students in this seeming time of loss the same way He is in mine, then this too will one day be a welcomed part of our sanctification process.

Speaking of God’s graciousness, though our support remains unchanged, the generosity of our friends and church family is increasing. Sarai had a heart-stirring visit today from a lady in our church that left some money in her hand when she left. This was further assurance from God that He has no problems working though His people to care for us. The extra money will come in handy as it looks as though Sarai’s going to have to bite the bullet and go see a doctor. It looks like her chest cold is trying to morph into bronchitis. Gracelyn is doing better, which is a blessing. As an aside, my dad had a partial knee replacement yesterday that was successful, which was a huge answered prayer. In all, moral is still high. God is still good, and His will is of utmost benevolence. We do not serve an evil taskmaster, and God is faithful to care for His people. We shall see what tomorrow brings!

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