The Final Month: Day Eighteen

Posted: July 18, 2012 in The Final Month

About the time the lap bar ratchets firmly into place, pinning you into your too-small and rock-hard seat, you realize that it’s too late to back out now. You’re on this roller coaster and the wheels are moving. Slowly you makes your way up the hill that looms impossibly large before you. Cli-clack. Cil-clack. Cli-clack. The ride seems to be taking forever, but the scenery is beautiful. As you go higher, you begin to forget what you’re doing and you simply enjoy the view.

Until you reach the top.

And in the split second before you remind yourself that you’ve done this ride before and you’re going to love it, just like you did last time, some unseen hand hits the panic button in your mind and all you can do is think to yourself, “What am I doing? WhatamIdoingwhatamidoingwhatamIdoing?” And then you have to remind yourself that it’s going to be fine, and then you’re flying down the other side and loving it.

Loving the ride…yet just a second ago you couldn’t for the life of you figure out what possessed you to hop on in the first place.

I’d be lying if I said that this has never happened to me a couple times over the last few months.

Yeah.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never struggled with whether or not this was the right decision. I’ve never found myself in the quietness of my heart thinking that I have messed up, that I’m no church planter. But there are moments that for a split second cause me to think “What am I doing??” Occasionally I’ll get a hit on resumes mailed out six months ago, and for the briefest of moments the security of a job within an established church is alluring to me. It’s safe. What was I thinking, resigning from my job with a family of four to provide for? Idiot.

So I wrestle these thoughts into captivity, confess this faithlessness to God, and continue my joyous pursuit of His will. Because I know beyond any doubt that I’m doing exactly what I want to, which is to follow God’s leading to Crozet. It’s who I am, who I’ve been shaped to be.

And then sometimes, like tonight, it really begins to hit home that in less than two weeks I’m packing my belongings into a truck and saying goodbye to hundreds of friends. I’m saying goodbye to a group of students who are family to me. I’m saying goodbye to the privilege of pastoring them. I’m saying goodbye to the men and women who have partnered with me in training these students. And I tell ya…it’s not fun.

I find myself wondering if people like Daniel ever experienced these odd flashes of momentary doubt. I wonder if this is common to planters who have volunteered to labor endlessly to form a baby church through the power of the Holy Spirit. I see missionaries with amazing stories of walking in faith, but I never hear about the mental fight to stand strong, to drive forward.

Yet in the middle of the chaos, there is an underlying peace that I can tap into, an awareness of God’s presence that is so much stronger now than it was before He began stirring me to become a planter. And this really has been the greatest blessing this month- the closeness to God that He’s given me, even if my faith wavers at times. Words simply cannot do justice to this…I don’t think I’ll try to tonight.

Please continue to pray for our needs. If you’d like more information about Life Journey Church, you can visit us on the web at www.lifejourneyva.com.

 

 

Soli Deo Gloria

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Comments
  1. Bonnie Boyce says:

    Your blogs are very revealing and I think that is why I get so much from them. I am being allowed to witness spiritual growth in someone I care for deeply. Can’t get much better than that!

    • I was wondering on the way to work this morning if it was a bad idea to write so tired, haha! I don’t mind being transparent, so long as I can adequately communicate what it is I’m trying to get across. Thanks for the feedback!

  2. Josh Sembach says:

    I am digging this blog too. Not only a faith builder for you, but for me… and anyone else reading it. Good stuff.

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